My own worst enemy

That ball is back in my stomach
It's hard metal making me twitch
the damn knot that won't come undone
The butterflies that have turned back into caterpillars

The ache stays
and eats
and grows

I try not to feed it
but it snatches moments of self doubt and swallows before I can breathe

Each word of criticism makes it hungrier
You aren't pretty
You aren't smart
You aren't interesting

What good are you?
What makes you think you're worthy of a damn thing?

Lazy, stupid, fat bitch
Fucking up everything you touch

The should haves are piling up
I should have been better
If only I did that he wouldn't have left
I should have known

Higher and higher until they bury me under a heap of despair.
No good. No use. No talent. No brains. No common sense.

Everyday I fight the enemy. Everyday the swirl of self anger gets pushed down.
I tell myself the lies I long to hear.
You're beautiful. You're smart. You're a good friend. You are worth the bother.
You're awesome. You can do it.

Most days I can almost believe it.
I fought so hard to get this far.
I'm not going to take myself down again.