Aura

Waiting

You start off patient.
Time passes.
Nothing changes.
Time passes.
You wiggle and shift your weight.
Time passes.
You sigh and yawn.
Time passes.
Check the watch.
Time passes.
Check your phone.
Time passes.
Grumble.
Time passes.
Scream.
Time passes.
Nothing changes.
Time passes.
Tap your foot and cross your arms.
Time passes.
Give up.
Time keeps passing.

 

Seeking

Itchy and twitchy
Can't stay still
Restless feet want to stray
Walking through mazes
In my own mind
trying to find a way

A way to find peace
peace without ceasing
Ever increasing my range
Trying new roads
making my own
Though it may seem strange

Odd though I am
I'll keep searching the land
For my heart won't leave me alone
I must keep enduring
while the world keeps on whirling
To find a peace of my own.

Romance is Dead

Romance.
What is it?
It seems I knew long ago.
Vague memories of poetry and flowers.
Maybe only the young can imagine it still.
The heartaches break in pieces and build a rubble filled wall of doubt
and disbelief.
The heart goes into hiding.
Romance is wishful and wistful and wondrous.
Cynicism abounds and shoots down any bird of hope that dares to fly.
 

Human like You

Alone I sit and stare at the keyboard.
Wondering what words to say.
Wanting to reach out into the world.
Show them my heart
Make them understand me
Hope they love me.
The words will not flow.
They come and go in fits
One sentence typed in a frenzy
the next written and erased over and over again.
Communication is all we have
We long to know that someone else has been in that place
The dark place of sorrow.
The sunlit porch of good memories
The hot anger filled volcano
The plain cardboard wrapping holding a new world of thoughts and ideas.
Open the box.
Peer into me.
See what you like and what you hate
 because I am just human like you.

Get out

Questioning my every move
Why is he in my head?
Why was I in his bed?
Why did I let him treat me that way?
Did he ever care?
Was that all in my head?
Make excuses, make excuses
It's not his fault.
I'm just too difficult.
Too odd.
Too afraid to show him how it hurts.
He wouldn't do it if he knew.
He'd never try to hurt me.
Excuses are made before he can even get the chance to disappoint me again.
It's all my fault.
If I said I love you and really tried to be everything he wants...
he'd still not love me.
He'd still not consider me as someone to care about.
I'm not a real person to him.
I'm just flesh to play with.
Then it's time to go.
Why?
Why can I see so clearly when others make the mistakes?
Not his.
Not mine.
I'm not his.
He's not mine.
So why is my heart so stupid?
Why do I miss the warmth of his touch?
Why do I want to hear his laugh?
Why don't I hate him?

My own worst enemy

That ball is back in my stomach
It's hard metal making me twitch
the damn knot that won't come undone
The butterflies that have turned back into caterpillars

The ache stays
and eats
and grows

I try not to feed it
but it snatches moments of self doubt and swallows before I can breathe

Each word of criticism makes it hungrier
You aren't pretty
You aren't smart
You aren't interesting

What good are you?
What makes you think you're worthy of a damn thing?

Lazy, stupid, fat bitch
Fucking up everything you touch

The should haves are piling up
I should have been better
If only I did that he wouldn't have left
I should have known

Higher and higher until they bury me under a heap of despair.
No good. No use. No talent. No brains. No common sense.

Everyday I fight the enemy. Everyday the swirl of self anger gets pushed down.
I tell myself the lies I long to hear.
You're beautiful. You're smart. You're a good friend. You are worth the bother.
You're awesome. You can do it.

Most days I can almost believe it.
I fought so hard to get this far.
I'm not going to take myself down again.