My own worst enemy

That ball is back in my stomach
It's hard metal making me twitch
the damn knot that won't come undone
The butterflies that have turned back into caterpillars

The ache stays
and eats
and grows

I try not to feed it
but it snatches moments of self doubt and swallows before I can breathe

Each word of criticism makes it hungrier
You aren't pretty
You aren't smart
You aren't interesting

What good are you?
What makes you think you're worthy of a damn thing?

Lazy, stupid, fat bitch
Fucking up everything you touch

The should haves are piling up
I should have been better
If only I did that he wouldn't have left
I should have known

Higher and higher until they bury me under a heap of despair.
No good. No use. No talent. No brains. No common sense.

Everyday I fight the enemy. Everyday the swirl of self anger gets pushed down.
I tell myself the lies I long to hear.
You're beautiful. You're smart. You're a good friend. You are worth the bother.
You're awesome. You can do it.

Most days I can almost believe it.
I fought so hard to get this far.
I'm not going to take myself down again.



 

False Hope

I dreamed my way into your arms last night.
We were just hanging out and goofing around,
Then your arms held me and everything was right,
I put my ear to your chest to listen to the sound,

The warmth of your body enveloped me,
,I never feel as safe and loved as when I'm in your arms
Then I wake.

Time passes and we are far apart.
we don't speak but you still have my heart.

All it takes is a word or a picture or the wind in the trees,
to bring me back to you and me.
The way you raise your eyebrows before you laugh.
The line in your forehead when you worry.
The broad fingers with the gentle touch.
The look on your face when you bent down to kiss me.
The sound of your voice saying I love you.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
A part of me is simply gone away with you.

Passion

Without passion we do not try,
without passion we just get by,
bills to pay, a job to keep,
miles to go before we sleep,
Shelter and our daily bread,
survival is the how we're led,
until we find our dream to dream,
how dull and ordinary life can seem,
My dreams are small and easily won,
to find some joy and have some fun,
Yet new dreams do find me still,
dreams that dare and dreams that thrill,
I dream of singing to a crowd,
singing loud and standing proud,
of making money by bringing joy,
of someday finding the right boy,
not a boy, I want a good man,
to take my heart by the hand,
Someday run a pretty inn by the sea,
that's a big enough dream for me.
My passions are simple love and peace,
in my strength to ever increase,
with new challenges to climb each day,
and finally to find my way,
through this world which is so large,
I'm ready now to take charge.

Alone in a crowd

Alone in a crowd
I feel my pain
smile and laugh
and try yet again
catch the joy
that floats on by
hard to catch
the harder you try
wink and grin
chuckle and joke
laughter will stay
as on it you choke

Dream on

Dream on
your little dream
will come to bear
what you want it to
Keep your faith
and don't you falter
it can keep you
still you
inside
your heart
will take no more
all you know is what you're sure
of light and dark
dreams and waking
things tend to cloud
before your eyes
the truth plays
seek and hide
until you find
what lies hidden
inside your mind
deep under pride
and shame it stays
until under the weight
it begins to decay
your heart will break
and shatter on the floor
like so much broken glass
life is harsh and wants
to take back

Hard

Hard harsh cruel,
Fate the Fool,
Leads me on a merry chase,
Think you have it,
then you lose it,
some memories you can never erase.

I struggle on,
from night til dawn,
chasing my wayward dreams,
Barely scraping by,
and then I cry,
nothing is as it seems.

My eyes shut tight,
til morning light,
cause I don't want to see,
the pain in my eyes,
is no surprise,
Not to me, not to me.

My tears run red,
for they keep being shed,
for a world that doesn't care,
My throat is raw,
from trying to call,
out for some repair.

I'm lost and alone,
no place to call home,
just where I keep my bed,
If I keep moving on,
singing this song,
I may just end up dead.

Why me

"Why me?"you cry shaking your fist at the wind.
Do I deserve this?
What did I do to earn such punishment?
Anger.
Resentment burns red boiling the bile in your stomach.
Why now?
This timing is the worst.
The wind softens.
You have strength.
You will push onward and upward.
Anger.
Primal scream.
Dizzy with desire to tear.
And punch and rip and shred.
Blood spilled scarlet from my veins
sizzling on the black asphalt.