The Darkness

The darkness shall not win.
It clouds my eyes to the light.
I cannot see the good and noble and pure anymore.
I can see humanity still.
Broken and bruised but striving.
Striving for the ....
the what?
The light?
The hope of the light?
The idea of the hope of the light?
The smile on a loved one's face?
Hope always remains.
Hope is that part inside that screams FUCK YOU! at the darkness.
Who do you think you are?
You can't take me down!
You hit like a bitch!
It is what they can't take away unless we give it to them.
And it's hard
so hard
to get back when it's been lost.
The darkness will lie.
Distort.
Make you believe that the light has gone out.
Hold on to hope still.
Grasp it firmly with both hands.
Hope is the pilot light of our own light.
Tiny flicker in the dark.
But when we add faith and determination
it can turn into an inferno.

Dimly Lit

All my life is under shadowed veil,
Pale figures trudging through tasks,
Anger is a dull burn,
Pain is not sharp but aching,
My heart...
Is it still beating?
I can only tell when it's lodged in my throat.
When I'm choking on my angst.
When I'm gasping for love like air.
This half a life I'm living...
living... no.
Existing in.
There is no movement but the slow crumbly rocks taking out all that's underfoot.
Stumble, fall, bruise.
Slowly rise and trudge on,
might as well see where it leads.

Curse

I can't take it back.
Those hateful words still echoing in the air.
Even if I was sorry and begged.
On my knees with hands folded crying.
You wouldn't forget what I said.
That spite and malice dripping poison that can never be healed.
There is no cure.
I can't make it right.
I can't unsay what has been spoken.
I can't pretend it never happened.
I can't say I was lying.
That venom boiled up out of me like lava erupting.
Red hot.
Burning all to ashes.
Destruction and devastation.
A few words said that will not perish.
In your mind they are already carved in stone.
Made into a plaque that you will read every time you see my lips.
The lips that spoke those words
No amount of effort can break those words out of the air.

Love is not

Love is not grasping,
Love is not controlling,
Love is not jealous,
Love is not angry,
Love is not ultimatums,
Love is not an addiction,
Love is not something that can be planned,
Love is not demanding.
Love is not shallow.

Love is knowing someone's flaws and loving them in spite of them.
Love is knowing that they may not be right for you despite the love but loving them anyway.
Love is wanting what's best for your love.
Love is realizing that everyone grows and changes at their own pace and letting them do it without complaint.
Love is valuing your time together.
Love is eternal.
Love is honesty.
Love is trust.

Homesick

I miss you, I love you,
I don't wanna hang up first,
We'll talk soon,
or email,
or Facebook,
Maybe we'll see each other next year.
It doesn't really matter with us,
we will always be friends,
you will always know my heart
and my secrets.
and I will keep yours.

When I talk to you,
I get homesick.
That nasty ball in the tummy kind of homesick,
I miss you so much that it pains me.

When I talk to you,
I am totally free to be me.
No shields, no masks.

Even when life is trying to break us,
I know you will be there,
suffering because I'm suffering,
trying to make it all ok.

And you do,
you make it all so much better,
you listen,
you help,
you care,
you love.

I get homesick for you because my soul is home when we are together.
Broken people in a broken world who fit each other's broken spots.

I love you,
I miss you.

whirlwind

My thoughts are spinning in my head,
dreams of hope and nameless dread,
combine into a torrent of insanity,
bringing on the doubt and fear,
and muddier thoughts I can not clear,
until I doubt my own veracity.

Death looks kindlier in these hours,
a sure way to end all the sour,
before it takes root deeper in,
changing all that is good in me,
to overflowing depravity,
I can feel it settling in my skin.

I feel weak but I will stand,
dancing on the slippery sand,
I must not fall, I must not fall.
I hear the words from time past,
I feel the sting of insults lashed,
I cry, I scream, I give my all.

Ride out the storm, it will cease,
and in it's wake will come peace,
I bend and bend beneath the gale,
Cracking, stretching, I stand my ground,
hoping, praying, I will be found,
A hand will help before I fail.





 

Backtrack

Retracing my steps,
trying to find what I lost,
or at least how I lost it.

Wandering aimlessly through photographs,
a flash, a smile,
I can always tell my real smile,
it's just a little too wide,
my face stretches to the laughter,
then I remember to tone it down a notch.

My big smile isn't pretty,
my front teeth are too far forward,
it's not sweet or cute or sexy.

Is that what I'm searching for?
My real big smile?
My own sense of beauty?

I'm not gorgeous.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm too fat to be gorgeous.
I'm too loud to be beautiful.
I'm too much.

Too much to handle,
too smart,
too independent,
too outspoken,
too stubborn,
too emotional,
too attached,
too crazy,
too lazy,
too scared to try.

Where did that girl go?
The one I used to be?
The one that was easy to love?

She's gone.
Overwritten by rejection and fear,
and being let down.

That girl used to have poetry read to her by candlelight.
That girl was sung pretty songs.
That girl believed the pretty lies and just wanted more.

That girl believed in forever.
That girl believed in true love conquering all.

Dear Lord, she was dumb.

Blind to reality,
seeing only fantasy,
the dreams she believed would come true.

The unshaking faith in that people are good and kind.
The iron belief in love.

The iron has grown rusty.
Dented and worn from too much life and lies.

I can never be her again.

Sometimes, I wish with all of what's left of my broken heart that I could.